Maybe now is too late to get my act together for the Rapture this Saturday. I mean, it really snuck up on me.
But it’s not that I haven’t tried. This week I’ve not only picked up after Connor when taking him out for a walk, but I would also dispose of another dog’s leavings if neglected nearby. Anything that may earn me some extra points in the humanity column, because I may be at the cutoff point for all I know. But more than likely I don’t fit the vital salvation criteria, so Judgment it is.
That’s not all bad. Christian authors particularly sympathetic to those who will be left behind have published some indispensable resources for surviving the Tribulation. “Surviving” being perhaps an odd term to use here, but hey!
First there’s Jeffrey Harbin’s Post-Rapture Survival Guide. According to the copy, this volume “started out as just a letter written for several of his non-believing friends” to help them avoid the awesome spectacle of earthly Apocalypse.
It may be too late for this book to be applicable to me, because in spite of its title, it sounds more like a game plan for catching the next train to the Pearly Gates and less like a handbook for romping in the pestilential hellscape thereafter, and I’m in need of the latter. If I had my druthers, there would be an end times version of How to Shit in the Woods.
I was first drawn to Survival Post Rapture Handbook Ultimate because of its provocative jacket design, which depicts a military chopper nuking a gigantic Bible. This one needless to say has captured my imagination. “The scent of fire, brimstone and sulfur are in the air. I can almost hear the hoof beats off in the distance and can picture the flaring nostrils of that first white horse.” Hell, yes! But going off appearances, I’m apprehensive of ordering Rapture Survival Ultimate Handbook Post on the possibility it may be all flash and zazz, and not the collection of practical survival measures I’m looking for. What I need to know is, when I behold the White Horse, should I board up my apartment or go out and try to lasso it? Could one befriend Pestilence? Does it like apples?
I could of course look to find some truth in fiction by reading the Left Behind series. Maybe you’ve only seen the film, and therefore assume that in case the worst happens at least Kirk Cameron will be there to help, but forget it: real-life Kirk’s goin’ up to the spirit in the sky.
This last example, How to Profit From the Coming Rapture by Steve and Evie Levy, is suspect in that it perhaps isn’t taking the end times very seriously. “Sure,” says the book’s synopsis, “the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.”
But satire or no, I think they’re onto something. The aspect of financial survival will deserve some attention. For one, the market will certainly become more volatile once the Antichrist comes to power.
If this weekend goes as prophesied, northern Colorado Springs is going to be a quiet, lonely place. I’ll need to take advantage of that: it’ll be hard to do much reading once all those annoying locusts come buzzing around.