It’s Christmastime, which means I’ll be spending a lot of time making sincere gift recommendations at my job, and you might spend some time consulting blogs that will do the same.
This, however, is a unique list that should be of service if you’re not fond of a certain person, say, and you must give that person something, and that something must be a book.
For the Twilight fan: Nightlight by Harvard Lampoon or The Host by Stephenie Meyer
(You knew a spoof was going to happen. Read the synopsis and see why it wins for its use of the word “gynecologically.” About the latter book: one way I gauge how much fans enjoyed a novel is seeing how many of them come back in the store asking if there is (or will be) a sequel. “Are there other Twilight books?”: 3,296. “Is there going to be a sequel to The Host?”: zero.)
For the Dracula fan: Dracula the Un-Dead by Dacre Stoker and Ian Holt
(This is not a spoof. I had to keep reminding myself of that as I read this book.)
For the Wicked (the musical) fan: Wicked by Gregory Maguire
(Fans of the Broadway production rarely translate into fans of Gregory Maguire’s original novel. Maybe they don’t expect its straight-faced seriousness or its apparent preoccupation with bodily functions. Whatever the reason, you can bet that Kaylee (or Kaycee or Karlee) will so be so outraged as she reads the book that she’ll practically boil in her tanning bed.)
For the liberal: Going Rogue by Sarah Palin
For the conservative: Going Rouge edited by Richard Kim and Betsy Reed
For the Atheist: The Shack by Wm. Paul Young
For the Christian: God is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens
For Someone Who Asks For…
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell: How to Be a Gentleman: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners by John Bridges
(Dude, for this holiday season, Chad’s (or Ty’s or Drew’s) gift is gonna be like all prescriptive and shit, Bro.)
Any diet book: This is Why You’re Fat by Jessica Amason and Richard Blakely
The Lost Symbol: Why People Believe Weird Things by Michael Shermer
Any Mitch Albom book: Go, Dog, Go! by P.D. Eastman
So that’s that, the literary anti-gift list in theory. In theory, now—I won’t be held responsible for any severed personal relationships that might result from the use of these suggestions. Unless someone is improved by the use of that gentlemanly etiquette book, that I’ll take credit for.