Chuck Norris vs. Ernest Hemingway

I’m not saying necessarily who would win the fight, but we’re going to look at some facts uncovered by yours truly about the toughest Nobel Laureate son-of-a-bitch who ever lived:

-The phrase “The pen is mightier than the sword” was first coined by Ernest Hemingway as he used one to kill a matador.

-Every time you light a cigar, the ghost of Ernest Hemingway strangles another emo kid to death.

-Shakespeare’s plays were actually written by Ernest Hemingway while he was blackout drunk in Barcelona.

-It isn’t true that your great-grandmother was the best lay Ernest Hemingway ever had. It really pissed him off when she’d go around saying that.

-Ernest Hemingway brewed the best beer you’ve ever tasted.

-When Ernest Hemingway drove an ambulance in WWI, he ran over three Austro-Hungarians for every Allied soldier he rescued.

-Ernest Hemingway came up with his famous Iceberg Approach for writing literature when he hunted for orcas under the Arctic with a knife in his teeth, and noticed that icebergs went really goddamn deep.

-Ernest Hemingway called Gertrude Stein a bitch.

-During the years Ernest Hemingway was alive, a hard left hook was the leading cause of death among literary critics.

-When Skull and Bones alumni were present and someone said “Skull and Bones,” they all had to leave the room. When Ernest Hemingway was present and someone said, “The Old Man and the Sea is boring,” nobody left the room alive.

-Ernest Hemingway jumped on a grenade to save his comrades and the blast was safely contained in his billowy chest hair.

-Ernest Hemingway trimmed his beard with a machete.

-In 1972, a rugby team crash landed in the Andes and reportedly resorted to cannibalism to stay alive—eighteen lived to tell the story. The ghost of Ernest Hemingway has been finishing off the survivors one by one ever since.

-“The Lost Generation” actually refers to the thousands of young Frenchman Ernest Hemingway killed in barfights.

-Ernest Hemingway never wanted his unpublished works to be released after his death, but his backstabbing fourth wife did it anyway. What she didn’t know is that he placed a curse on them. Now anyone who reads A Moveable Feast is never to experience love again.

So there’s the tale of the tape for Ernest “Big Papa” Hemingway—the man who popularized the word “Macho.” And nothing counters a roundhouse kick quite like a hard left hook from the father of the American short story.

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3 thoughts on “Chuck Norris vs. Ernest Hemingway

  1. Pingback: Hemingway vs. Norris: Am I pwned? « Thwok!

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