I never thought I’d say this, but this Lincoln guy is starting to get on my nerves.
I mean, been to a bookstore lately? Yowza.
There’s even a book about Lincoln books! It’s called 100 Essential Lincoln Books. You read this book to find out which Lincoln books you should read, because reading all the Lincoln books is too herculean a task — you’ve got to narrow the list down a bit.
Clearly there’s a gravy train running here, and our sixteenth president’s bicentennial is not going to last. How do we hop on this thing and — no — how do I hop on this thing and make some serious money? I’ll admit my historian credentials are pretty light, and I’ll have to churn out a sloppy manuscript posthaste, but those issues are trifled by the real meat and potatoes of biography writing.
As we all know, you can’t sell a biography unless it’s got a bombshell.
And as established, this is a pretty crowded subgenre, so my thesis has to make some major waves. That considered, here are some titles kicking around in my head.
Oh Captain My Captain: The Forbidden Oval Office Love Affair Between Abraham Lincoln and Poet Walt Whitman
The Lincoln Conspiracy/Ultimatum/Covenant/Protocol: The Union’s Secret Alliance with the Freemasons to Assassinate the Surviving Knights Templar and Topple the Illuminati
The First Black President: Uncovering Lincoln’s Parentage of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings
Bittersweet Secession: The Sixteenth President’s Struggle with Candy-holism
Dedicated to the Proposition: Lincoln’s Reconciliation of Humility with Power in the American Civil War
I don’t know about that last one, but I can probably pick any of the other ideas and end up with a nationwide bestseller. The icing on the cake is that they’ll certainly have to publish an updated edition of 100 Essential Lincoln books…