I Name a Genre: Quirky Lady Club Books

Good Housekeeping magazine recently said, in comment on the Beach Street Knitting Society and Yarn Club, “It’s official: knitting has become the new acme of cool.”

And you know if anyone has its finger on the pulse of cool, it’s Good Housekeeping magazine, sucka-chump. You don’t have to read The Sweet Gum Knit Lit Society, either, to know that.

But still, I have to differ slightly and say that it’s not knitting novels necessarily that are enjoying a heyday , but a genus of fiction I’ll have to call Quirky Lady Club books.

It’s not a new genre, but rather just one that’s simply gone without a proper christening. Its standouts in recent memory have included The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, The Friday Night Knitting Club, and The Elm Creek Quilts series. But in the past year, the popularity of The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society has busted things wide open. Expect an influx.

I love these books if only because most of them make grown women say silly titles when they ask me about them at the store. They’re also full of lessons on friendship, community, and inevitably plenty of metaphors likening those to things to knots, to weaves, to threadwork, to…

Anyway, I wonder can these books be far off?

  • Cutesy-Poo Sugar Pie Taxidermy Club
  • Sunday Night Nascar-Romance and Sudoku Dojo
  • The Itty Bitty Knitty Chick Lit Clique
  • Hoboken Klepto-Crochet Gobbledy-Gook Junior League
  • Monday Morning Red Hat Society Stitch ‘n Bitch
  • Punxitawney Stormchasing Bingo Ladies Club
  • The Tea Street Brawlers
  • The Shooby Dooby Sarah Palin Look-Alike Scat Singin’ Sisterhood
  • Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (wait, that’s a band)
  • The Lucky Seven Slot Machine and Bundt Cake Cougars
  • Zooba-Mafoo Bink-Bink Josh Groban Fan Club of the Traveling Pants

And really, this looks to be a robust subgenre that will last, so by no means will this cover all the possible titles. Can you predict some others?

Deliver Us From Retail

Hey, customer service workers! Have you been feeling guilty, thinking you were getting paid way too much at your retail job all year long? Well, now you can feel better because this is where you really earn that paycheck.

We’re now at the final stretch before Christmas, and your store’s traffic and sales should at least be triple their normal rate for each day until then. These heightened demands call for a special approach to preserve your commitment to top-notch customer service.

A sense of humor is paramount. Those around you may not often appreciate it, the point is that you will feel better when you make light of what goes on in the pandemonious confines of the store. Do what I do.

When somebody sets off the checkpoint when leaving, point and yell, “Seize him!”

When somebody sets off the checkpoint when entering, stroll across his/her path and say, “So you’ve decided to turn yourself in.” (The effect is accentuated by carrying a billy club or having a pair of gloves, one of which you take off and slap into your hand as you speak with a German accent.)

Occasionally read haiku over the store’s intercom. The old ones are the best. I suggest Basho:

Won’t you come and see

lonliness? Just one leaf

From the kiri tree

When somebody asks, “Do you work here?” don’t get all snarky and say something like, “no, but this nametag I wear is sponsored by Best Buy.” Make them part of a story. Motion for them to keep it down and wave them over to a corner. Then whisper the following in confidence:

“To them [point to a passing coworker] I’m one of their own, but I know, and now you know, I am a saboteur. If you’ve read The Man Who is Thursday then you will better understand my situation, for the best way to scuttle a regime is from the inside, yes? Could this, then, corrupt me, who am treading the corrosive acid within the very belly of the beast? Perhaps. I grapple with this possibility every day here. Which is why there is no time! I have postured, I have marched in step, I have sung their wretched anthems, and now I turn colors and execute. That I have told you all this puts you in immediate danger, and for that I am sorry, but it is necessary. Meet me behind ——– at ——— and you shall know our next move. Bring no one with you.”

Of course, the easiest way to enjoy your time working the holiday rush is to actually be friendly and give customers exactly what they want. Simple. But sometimes it is impossible.

You can’t please everybody all the time, but you can fool all of the people some of the time. With this in mind, I will now share with you one special technique.

The Back

For most customers, if you tell them that you don’t have the product they’re looking for, they realize that there’s no more you can do for them, and they will move on. Others, though, do not see this as sufficient reason to end the interaction.

You will know that you have encountered such an individual when you’ve said, “I’m sorry to say, sir/miss, but we’re sold out of that,” and he/she remains staring at you in an awkward silence. This person is likely either a trained interviewer or psychotherapist who knows that an enforced silence is a powerful stimulant to get the other party to continue speaking. In this situation, with a vacant stare, he/she aims to produce in you one of the following responses:

  • “Oh, just joshing ya! We’ve got a table stacked with ‘em over here, follow me!”
  • “Alakazam! It is now in your trunk with a gift receipt.”
  • “I am so very sorry that on behalf of the store, I would like to present you with a $100 gift card and this sheet of stationery upon which you may write an angry letter to our CEO, which I will personally mail off with my resignation. In 7-10 days you should then receive another $100 gift card for your trouble.”

Most other responses besides these will be received as unacceptable. Your best option is this:

“Let me check The Back.”

The Back, as demonstrated in this comic, is where you disappear to in order to give the customer the impression that, while you do not have the product they’re looking for, you’re doing the utmost to conjure it. You can be sure that you’ve spent enough time in there if you’ve sung “Rocketman” at least once through.

One last piece of advice: remember to enjoy Christmastime itself and retain your goodwill toward men when you can. After all, you may still have your own shopping to do.

Published in:  on December 20, 2009 at 6:31 pm Comments (4)
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“Why Do All the ‘Great Books’ Have To Be So Sad?”

I’ll bet you’ve heard this question uttered from friends, strangers, or maybe you’ve asked it yourself at times as you stared out the window at a lonely, skeletal tree in the grip of winter.

God knows I get it when I recommend books, and people suspect my list of must-reads is really my secret plan to shatter their will to live.

At least I’m not famous: a year ago, plenty of ladies I talked to became fed up with The Oprah after she’d recommended both David Wroblewski’s The Story of Edgar Sawtelle and Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. While I found one to be gobsmackingly superb and the other quite good, respectively, neither has what you’d call the Hollywood ending. Or beginning. Or middle.

“Another depressing book? I don’t need any more of that in my life, thanks.”

You know what? Among the people I know, the ones who need the least additional sadness in their lives are usually the ones who enjoy the most tragic novels.

It isn’t because they want to compound their feeling of personal tragedy, but because these books feel more honest. Those readers would find something more truthful in Thomas Hardy’s thematic insistence that no child ever asks to be born into this wretched world, and that the tribulations of a human being, no matter how great, leave the Universe wholly unmoved.

Even if you aren’t a depressed person, I don’t see why a great novel should lose points just for its bleakness. Am I sad after reading a tragic novel? Sure. But you know how glad I am not to be Tess Durbeyfield? Or Angel Clare? That life has not been so unkind to me, and hopefully will continue its apparent policy of relative mercy? I see life’s potential for unspeakable suffering in novels like these, and I am grateful to have been spared.

And besides, when people judge a book based on where it lies along the Feel-Good spectrum, I’m compelled to tell them that they’re missing the point.

But still, this fails to answer the question, which I’ll now take a stab at:

“Really–why do all the ‘great books’ have to be so sad?”

Because great artists are sad people, mostly. I can’t say exactly why this is, but it’s true. Maybe they’re tapped in to something else, a sort of otherworldly frequency that makes the universe loom grotesquely huge. They take in frightening perspectives and knowledge that most of us can safely shut out. When you read about a great author committing suicide, in a sick way it seems to help legitimize that author’s genius.

You could argue that it’s merely our presumption that great authors are supposed to be sad, but the more you learn about geniuses of other fields—mathematical, inventive, philosophical—the more you’re convinced that genius is apparently hazardous to its possessor’s personal relationships, among other things (e.g. They just don’t think the way normal people do, and it makes for a lonely existence).

Here’s another question: The savant-like insight and talent that’s required to create a great work of art—does depression inspire artistic genius, or does artistic genius inspire depression?

It’s not uncommon for people to feel their creative juices seem to dry up once they go on anti-depressants. Maybe that creativity was one of the coping mechanisms that combated the depression while it was unchecked by meds? Unneeded, biologically, it goes away? If this is true, it’s a solid argument that suffering begets creativity.

So every now and then I wonder if I, too, like a Russian novelist, “vere to soffer,” then my supposedly latent artistic powers would rise like the phoenix and I would then produce a blazingly brilliant novel of my own.

But considering my current level of writing talent, life would have to give me quite a beating.

Anyway, something tells me it’s not that simple. I’m leaning toward the idea that the uncanny perspective with which our literary giants are endowed is what opens them up to personal tragedy, and not the other way around.

Then again, who says it can’t be both?

Whatever the truth of that, when I read Tess of the D’Urbervilles or another amazing tragedy, I think about the dire wisdom and emotional state required of the author to write it, and I’m filled with gratitude. Do you realize the shit the author went through to produce this piece of writing—aside from the actual writing process? Hardy becomes a kind of martyr to me. So does F. Scott Fitzgerald, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Virginia Woolf, Mark Twain, Fyodor Dostoevsky, and William Shakespeare.

I benefit from their suffering.

Published in:  on December 18, 2009 at 6:30 pm Comments (2)
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Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy

Is it better to read Thomas Hardy novels when you’re younger or when you’re older?

"To think none of this shit would have happened if only I weren't so bloody beautiful..."

I ask this because I recall that bloke Nick Hornby (Hi-Fidelity, About a Boy) making a memorable statement on England’s all-time master of the prose tragedy:

Hardy’s prose is best consumed when you’re young, and your endless craving for misery is left unsatisfied by a diet of The Smiths and incessant parental misunderstanding. When I was seventeen, the scene in Jude the Obscure where Jude’s children hang themselves “becos they are meny” provided the much-needed confirmation that adult life was going to be thrillingly, unimaginably, deliciously awful.

“Deliciously awful” is a great way to describe the appeal, but I somewhat resent his cheapening Hardy novels to an emo-kid indulgence, which may have been the case with Nick age-seventeen, but it certainly isn’t with me.

Granted, I haven’t been seventeen for some time now, but I think one can still have a genuine “craving for misery”– which isn’t required to enjoy Hardy’s tragedies, but it certainly helps. In fact, I’d say raw experience helps the doom-toll of these books resonate more truthfully then they did when you were an angsty teen.

I liked Jude the Obscure, but Tess of the D’Urbervilles, which I’ve just finished, is somewhere between five and eight times better.

For one,  Jude flirts with self-parody at times. Its heartbreaking situations would be hilarious if only they weren’t so freaking sad. I think that’s what limited Jude for me, it’s Job-like relentlessness that gave the book a flatness in spite of all its other fascinating qualities and the fact that Hardy’s a wonderful writer.

Not only are the situations more convincing in Tess of the D’Urbervilles, but it has invigorating highs in addition to the grotesque lows. It’s a common rule in fiction storycraft that things must get worse before they can get better; in Tess, the opposite is also true.

No, Seriously–Poor Tess

In the story’s middle, the eponymous country girl is actually happy for months at a time–so long as her suitor, Angel Clare, doesn’t know her tainted past in which she was raped and had to bear her predator’s child (which died in infancy). In the meantime she’s the Eve to his Adam as they work an idyllic summer together on the Talbothays dairy farm, and before he takes his leave of the place he’ll ask for her hand in marriage. And inevitably learn her secret.

But Angel’s a great guy (and yes, Hardy is definitely screwing with your head by naming him that). He’s a gentleman, a philosopher, a bit of a free-spirit hippie as far as his family of clergymen are concerned, and a perfect lover for the old-soul who is Tess. Surely if anyone could accept Tess’ past, it’s him.

Well, he doesn’t.

Thus begins a descent into a pastoral hell for both Tess and Angel, worse than the sorrow encountered in the first half through Tess’ victimization. For one, Alec, her serpentine rapist, makes a reappearance.

Tess holds the status as one of the great all-time sympathetic sufferers in literature, and I say it’s deserved. It’s not because she’s perfect, because she isn’t (and most certainly not by Victorian standards), but because she’s so thoroughly undeserving of her misfortunes.

I’ve been trying to make my reviews more brief, so I won’t be doing justice to the largeness of this book. The nature of evil, the destruction of rural life, the meanings of lineage, innocence and experience, love and self-delusion… are all things running richly through a story filled with complicated symbolism, which in a Hardy book is everywhere.

Reading this novel is like walking a elaborate corridor to its finish outside, and, looking behind you, you see you’ve actually emerged from an enormous mansion. You were so focused on the plot that, though you saw the thematic doorways and staircases leading to deeper and higher things, you could only glance about them and then continue on with the story. The rest of the house is for the reread.

The Holidays: Books to Give to Those You Hate

It’s Christmastime, which means I’ll be spending a lot of time making sincere gift recommendations at my job, and you might spend some time consulting blogs that will do the same.

This, however, is a unique list that should be of service if you’re not fond of a certain person, say, and you must give that person something, and that something must be a book.

For the Twilight fan: Nightlight by Harvard Lampoon or The Host by Stephenie Meyer

(You knew a spoof was going to happen. Read the synopsis and see why it wins for its use of the word “gynecologically.” About the latter book: one way I gauge how much fans enjoyed a novel is seeing how many of them come back in the store asking if there is (or will be) a sequel. “Are there other Twilight books?”: 3,296. “Is there going to be a sequel to The Host?”: zero.)

For the Dracula fan: Dracula the Un-Dead by Dacre Stoker and Ian Holt

(This is not a spoof. I had to keep reminding myself of that as I read this book.)

For the Wicked (the musical) fan: Wicked by Gregory Maguire

(Fans of the Broadway production rarely translate into fans of Gregory Maguire’s original novel. Maybe they don’t expect its straight-faced seriousness or its apparent preoccupation with bodily functions. Whatever the reason, you can bet that Kaylee (or Kaycee or Karlee) will so be so outraged as she reads the book that she’ll practically boil in her tanning bed.)

For the liberal: Going Rogue by Sarah Palin

For the conservative: Going Rouge edited by Richard Kim and Betsy Reed

For the Atheist: The Shack by Wm. Paul Young

For the Christian: God is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens

For Someone Who Asks For…

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell: How to Be a Gentleman: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners by John Bridges

(Dude, for this holiday season, Chad’s (or Ty’s or Drew’s) gift is gonna be like all prescriptive and shit, Bro.)

Any diet book: This is Why You’re Fat by Jessica Amason and Richard Blakely

The Lost Symbol: Why People Believe Weird Things by Michael Shermer

Any Mitch Albom book: Go, Dog, Go! by P.D. Eastman

So that’s that, the literary anti-gift list in theory. In theory, now—I won’t be held responsible for any severed personal relationships that might result from the use of these suggestions. Unless someone is improved by the use of that gentlemanly etiquette book, that I’ll take credit for.

Published in:  on December 5, 2009 at 7:13 pm Comments (1)
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